When Amazon Fucks Up, and You’re Feeling Insecure, and You Deserve Free Shit


Me: I order these books to be here on Tues. and they were guaranteed and not here today!
You are now connected to Ravi from Amazon.com
Ravi: Hello, my name is Ravi. I’m here to help you today.
Me: and I ordered them for something very important and I have prime to make sure they are here when they were “guaranteed” to be here
Hi steven, your package will arrive:
Tuesday, December 5
info icon
This contains items from 2 orders
Track package
Ultraluminous: A Novel
+1 more item
Ravi: I can understand, how important this book must be for you, am sorry for the delay.
Please give a moment while i check this for you.
Me: Im super irritated, this has been happening way too often lately…I also don’t understand why the “guarantee” or promise and then not following through on it
Jeff Bezos, the amazon ceo is the richest man in the world! he needs to know that people like me “the little people” are why he is so rich! I’m very perturbed…I needed these by tomorrow early and was looking to get a head start on them tonight and was assured they would arrive today by 5 PM
I teach a class and will surely look foolish not being prepared and this could effect my performance and my living and etc…this is is sad and unconscionable…
I’ve spent so much money and time making amazon a beacon for books and alas! I feel as if Im being forgotten in the golden palaces and azure lagoons where Jeff Bezos sips his vintage dom perigean and snorts cocaine off of silver trays carried around by beautiful and exotic topless models…and here I am in the midst of my drab apartment, eating cereal for dinner, nearly crying into my milk because for sooth! where are my books, they were to transport me to worlds unknown!
Ravi: I am really sorry that we have missed this delivery, i will surely escalate this issue right away to the shipping team to make sure you receive the book within 24 hours. I completely understand the importance of this book for you, as you have to prepare for the class.
Me: but here I am, alone! they cost me nearly 35$ in cash money and no book in sight!
it’s more than the class, it’s something that effects me in my bones or in the part that used to be referred to as “the soul”
I’m sure you can see the part Amazon has played in my current desolate mood, Ravi!
Ravi: I am really sorry Steven, we really didn’t expect this to happen,
Me: Why is Jeff Bezzos so rich? Why does he need all that money? He doesn’t! nobody does, he should give to charities, and if he does he should give to more
the strange thing is that we, you and I, are merely cogs to that man!
Ravi: We try our best to deliver the items to our customers at earliest, unfortunately we missed this time, upon checking i see that package is with the carrier already.
and there is a delay from the carrier side.
Me: yeah, but you guys should “guaranteeing” something if Amazon then passes the buck to the carrier
because the guarantee, which is a de facto “promise, begins with amazon and to follow that trail further…to Mr. Bezzos
anybody can guarantee something….the important part is fulfilling the guarantee
like the Seinfeld episode re: reservations
Ravi: I understand Steven, but as this is a Holiday season, due to huge order maybe because of which carrier couldn’t deliver the item on time. I will take this as a strong feedback and will escalate this issue to our shipping team, so that you don’t have to face this issue again.
Me: Ugh, if only you could see my poor, pathetic life, half naked in a fuzzy blanket, face reflected with the dull white light of the computer screen and Im typing with one hand and shoveling cookie crisps into my mouth with the other….when did this happen, and why, o why? Ravi
Ravi: Steven, i completely understand how much this means to you. As the book is very important for you as a alternative, i can issue a full refund for you right away, so that you can look for alternative purchase.
Me: this has thrown me into a tailspin, friend…one of which I hope amazon will do it’s best to help me recover…
Ok, Ravi! I know your hands are somewhat tied…I get that…this is Bezzos’ fault…do you harbor a hatred in your heart for him as deep as I do?
It was around 35$ for those books!
Ravi: As a token of Apology for the inconvenience caused to you in this case, and you being our valuable customer, i would like to offer a $10 promotional certificate to your account.
Me: a pittance to the grand master!
Ravi: and i will issue a full refund for you.
Is that okay with you Steven?
Me: so, as a proffer from you (I will not allow Bezzos to get any credit for your kindness)…I will receive a refund for those two books and a 10
10$ credit…?
is that correct?
Ravi: 10$ promotional certificate Yes.
Me: and a refund for the two books:
Ravi: yes
Me: ? to be applied today?
O, friend, I just placed my spoon into my bowl and got up and did a rather weak dance, but a dance nonetheless…
Did you?
Did you feel some joy at poking the bear that goes by the name of Bezzos!
Ravi: I really appreciate your Patience and understanding in this case Steven, i will issue the refund and will add the $10 promotional certificate to you and will send you a confirmation email once issued.
Me: Ok, Ravi, I appreciate you and your work
Ravi: No problem, I’m glad I was able to help.
Is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: I know that you personally have nothing against me and that it’s Mr. Bezzos
No, I am fine…there are other problems in my life, of cours…but nothing I think you could help me with…like, why do we even exist…and how
my wife is at a “lawyer event” but should I trust her? is she cheating on me?
who knows?
that isn’t something for you to answer or know…or is it?
Ravi: No, you are the best person to deal with it Steven 🙂
It was a pleasure to assist you with this. Thank you for contacting Amazon.com. We hope to see you again.
Have a great day ahead!
Me: Thank you I will take my filty lucre and go through her e-mails and txts while drinking whiskey and eating a ridiculous amount of m & m’s…such is the sadness my life has become…
when will the refund and money go onto my account?
Ravi: Would you like to have the refund in your gift card balance or in your original payment method?
Me: gift card balance…that way I can keep it from my wife! O secrets…two can play at that game, my lovely wife!
Ravi: Sure, i will refund it to your gift card.
Me: so it’ll be around 45$ or so to expect in that balance
Ravi: You can see the refund amount within 1-2 hours.
and the remaining 10$ will get automatically be applied on your next order# with the items sold and fulfilled by Amazon.
I hope that helps.
Me: yeah, poor consolation is still consolation
Ravi: Is there anything else that i can assist you with today?
Me: I think I have well assisted, friend
been well assisted
please excuse my terrible grammar I have been in a state of undue stress these past weeks
as you can well imagine…hypothetically being made a cuckold out of!
and books undelivered!
but we get on, as we must
Ravi: I understand Steven,
I am really glad that i was able to assist you with this, Thank you for contacting Amazon.com. We hope to see you again. Have a great day ahead
Please click “End Chat” to close this window.
Me: thank you, Ravi
I will press “end Chat” and then I am going to go through all my wife’s various computers and papers because I don’t have the promised amazon books to read…

*unedited…I ordered Ultraluminous by Katherine Faw (sometimes Morris) and Laszlo Krasznahorkai’s The World Goes on

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